TW: Mention of police, hospitals and sui attempts
I was just remembering how a few months ago I was sat in a hospital bed in agony, screaming internally for someone to take over because I couldn’t even kill us properly. I was sure that I couldn’t cope and I would never get better. Weeks leading up to this I had been begging and begging the mental health team for support because I could feel just how unstable I was, but it didn’t matter. They didn’t help and I ended up missing, then being taken to hospital by police. It was the most terrifying thing ever.
Days after that incident in hospital, I finally just went numb. I guess I screamed so much that I just couldn’t feel anymore. My head was still silent and I realised just how small and terrified I am alone, without my system.
A week or so after, when I was inpatient, I was sat in bed one night rocking and crying that I can’t do this, I can’t even take that first step back towards recovery and I heard Ciardha. “You don’t have to step, even a tip toe is better than staying still”. At the time it just irritated me but tonight I appreciate the sentiment and the wisdom in it. When you are at rock bottom sometimes even the idea of one step feels as insurmountable as climbing a mountain. That’s OK. It’s OK to be overwhelmed by that first (or even second or third) step, just as long as you don’t use that as an excuse to not move.
A few months ago, I genuinely didn’t think I would be alive today and nor did my partner or my care coordinator. Everyone was terrified for me because I had no focus on anything except self destruction. Those tip toes have now turned into steps as I make my strides towards recovery and stability. I appreciate more than ever, the space my system allows me, to better myself and to heal. I appreciate their wisdom, advice and support. I appreciate the fact that (much like the TARDIS) they don’t always take me where I want to go, but I end up where I need to be.
I know that things change, and I know I may feel low again, but every single time I make a choice to try “just one last time” is a victory.
We aren’t perfect, and so many of us are hurting so very deeply, but just the fact that so many of us are able to work towards helping us as a group gives me hope. Maybe we can get through this recovery thing. Maybe one day we will be able to tell our stories without crumbling. Maybe one day we will turn around and wonder why on earth we ever wanted to give up. Maybe.